Chapter 4: China

Oh dear. I just accepted a trip to China to promote my book that I'm not finished writing yet. I guess that means I should finish writing my book. If I wasn't such a perfectionist, it wouldn't take me eight times as long to do things. Curses. Maybe I should buy a computer so I don't have to spend so much time going to the library, with the never ending modes of transportation I have to take and those damn stairs. But no! I shouldn't do that, it's my only form of exercise. Curses!

Oh well at least I'm still at the library. Now's the time for me to finish the book instead of just repeating it over and over again. After a few hours, I'm finally done! I stop at my mailbox because the publisher told me that he would mail my airline tickets and a copy of my printed book to me. When I check the mail, I find my tickets and my book. This publisher guy is really speedy. I swear I just sent him the finished product five hours ago.

When I arrive in Shang Simla, the taxi drops me off at this place. Are you freaking kidding me? It is the most beautiful hotel I have ever seen. It's built into a mountainside! Of course the downside of this is there are a bajillion stair steps again. I can't escape stairs even when I travel halfway across the world. Lame.

I see an advertisement for a tourist location called The Scholar's Garden, so I decide to check it out. On my way to the roadside, I nearly get run over by this guy... on a bicycle. He totally came out of nowhere and I nearly tripped and fell over him.

Apparently the thing to do in Shang Simla is ride bicycles everywhere, the airport is the only place with taxis. I'm so screwed. At first I think there's mountains everywhere, why the berry would you choose bicycles as transportation, but then I remember mountain bikes. Duh, Nubby. I haven't ridden a bicycle since I was little. I pedal but it's taking a lot of effort to move this giant ass around. Oh how I long for the dank stench of the subway right about now. Hopefully this trip gets better.

This is The Scholar's Garden. It's beautiful and I see some chairs, which I'm in desperate need of at the moment. I think to myself that it would be fun to learn SimFu, but then I also think I'm way too horribly out of shape to be doing such things.

As I sit and look at the gorgeous view, I wonder how I would even begin to learn SimFu. I think I'd need some smart handsome teacher to help me, but there's no one here. I did see a girl over in the back of the garden, but girls are usually worse towards me than guys in the kindness department. I do see a little stick that looks like a tree trunk over at the far end of the garden, which sparks my curiosity because it looks man made.

It's a punching bag! Well, stick, or post? Whatever, it can be punched and kicked, and it bounces right back! Awesome, maybe this SimFu stuff is easier than I thought.

"Very good, newcomer."

Whoa! I didn't even notice there was anyone around me. A woman emerges from the house where I was lounging earlier. I couldn't believe my ears, she thought me arbitrarily playing with the punching bag-stick-post was good? Not to mention very good? People here are nicer I guess.

"Hello. My name is Nubby Tubby."

"I am Xi Yuan, teacher of SimFu. I noticed you come in and have been watching you. For trying out the sparring post, I give you this gift of a SimFu Level 1 uniform."

My heart is beating from the adrenaline rush of someone being nice to me, giving me a gift, and actually carrying on a conversation with me without running in fear. Or is it because I just spent fifteen minutes kicking a punching bag-stick-post? I kind of wished the teacher had been a guy, but anyone being nice to me is a plus.

"Thank you, Miss Yuan."

"Nubby, now that I see you are interested, would you like to spar with me? I can show you some new techniques."

"Ok."

I follow Miss Yuan into the house and she changes into her SimFu outfit. It's really colorful, unlike mine, which is blank white. She must be really good to have such a colorful outfit. I think SimFu does its levels by color or something. At least that's what I've seen in movies.

"This is how you block. When I swing at you from this side, use your left arm to make a fist and raise it up to your face level. Ok?"

I nod and it works! I successfully blocked Miss Yuan's punch.

"Very good, Nubby! Now I will teach you a kick. It's the most simple kick and I will also show you how to avoid a kick. Earlier when you were kicking the post, you used your foot as if you were stepping on a stone. That is the easiest way to get hurt. This kick is a swing kick. Raise your leg up and swing it at your opponent. You will get more force that way and your kick will be more effective, like this."

Miss Yuan demonstrates and I nod. I try the kick and before my foot hits her face, she quickly goes into a squat, ducking completely.

"Very good form, Nubby. Did you see what I did to avoid your kick?"

"Yes, you squatted."

"Very good. There is also another way to avoid the kick and that is to grab your opponent's foot. You can either just slap it away after you have stopped the momentum, or you can swing them around and make them lose their balance."

"Nubby, you learn quickly and you are a worthy opponent. I was honored to spar with you."

"Thank you, Miss Yuan."

"Thank you for visiting The Scholar Gardens today. I hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation in Shang Simla."

I decide to go back to the hotel for a shower and perhaps some television. I had lots of fun at my SimFu lesson, but now I'm pooped. Ah damn, stairs. Sorry I'm bitching a lot today about this, but seriously. At least they're pretty stairs.

The hotel is just as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. There is a self serve kitchen, so I decide to make myself some dinner.

It is definitely a challenge eating my noodles with chopsticks. The noodles keep sliding off onto my plate. I try twisting the noodles around the chopsticks, but that doesn't really work at all. The noodles end up falling off in bigger chunks onto the plate. After dinner, I search the hotel for a television, but strangely, there isn't one. I'm a little disappointed that there isn't a television, but I suppose that's all right. I spot a chess table and decide to go play chess instead until I'm sleepy.